Caramel_Nuthead

I'm at my brother's house. . .

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 11:28:38 GMT

The one that lives here in St. Louis. . .I had to get the fuck away from my apartment for a while. I'm not eating anything today---and I had bought four 24 oz diet cokes just for that occasion---because i was planning a sort of liquid fast today---and my brother's greedy ass wife decided to guzzle two of them last night!!! What a fat bitch!!! how does she think she can just go and drink my shit that i paid for??? Now i have to walk back to the fucking market and buy more soda...better keep those in my overnight bag because if i store them in the fridge she might drink those too. . .ughh

she hogged the computer room last night too, so i ended up making a palate on my nephew's bedroom floor with blankets and a pillow, and slept there...it sucked. . .

i bought another pack of marlboro menthols. . .just smoked one outside. . .
*sigh* its kinda boring right now...its like 6:30 am and i'm the only one up, as usual

Shitty Afternoon, Better Evening

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 01:37:08 GMT

I felt like shit today, not necessarily a binge, just ate a member of my banned food group---which includes fast food. I was depressed and shit, then I went to my sister, Kim's house and just being around her for an hour made me feel better. Just being out of this house overall releases a lot of my stress. My nephew Tyler wouldn't let me hold him, I felt bad :{....Kim said he was sick...

Then I went to Shnuck's and got stocked up on healthy things. Many apples and grapes, carrots, more diet soda, organ cous cous and noodles, corn, sweet peas, black beans, low cal Blue Bunny yogurt, some magazines and a couple movies to watch.

i also bought 8 packs of orange tic-tacs to chomp on if i'm craving sugar---instead of eating like skittles or something, and like 10 packs of extra green apple gum.

In a Better Mood

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 23:27:54 GMT

Hell yeah. I slept good last night. I had weird dreams and shit. LOL.

This morning I felt a little depressed because I just looked at myself in the mirror, and just saw an ugly person. I took my Celexa, deposited my social security check---the bank is going to take like 100 bucks out of it though because my account was overdrawn---those bastards!

I went to the Y and worked out, and it felt so good to be moving around and exercising on the elliptical...Then I did the bike for about 13 mins, and the hamstring and quad muscle thing. I don't want muscle though....fuck i think i just have like skin and shit, and that sucks. I know its fat, but i think its like hella skin too....

Anyway, then I went to the Tan Company. I was kind of scared because it was my first time and the UV radiation thing does kinda freak me out. It was ok though, I didn't fry or anything. I forgot to put the tan lotion on my face though. I put these little plastic eye protecting things on my eyes and they felt lame and shit, I was like, damn i'm about to go blind. I had looked down my body while I was tanning and I kinda freaked cuz I looked hella dark! But it was only cuZ i was looking through the eye protectors. LOL....I did the timing wrong too. I was supposed to do top side for 15, then when it beeped i was supposed to turn over. But i turned over early cuz i though i heard the beep. It was fine tho, i just turned myself over regularly----i felt like a piece of food baking in the oven---it felt good too, because the bed like vibrated and i felt like i could've fallen asleep. I wasn't really all that brown when i got out tho, buts its cool----i don't expect to be bronze as hell on my first 30 min tan....you gotta like tan 2 times a week for like 5 weeks for that shit....and i don't think i wanna go that extreme....i'll have skin cancer like a mother fucker if i did that....

i'm on my 3rd diet soda....i feel sick from all the liquids in my tummy----i didn't binge today either.....awesome dude----lol....i had like 3 applesi think, and some baby carrots, and some mixed vegetables from a can....then i walked on the treadmill at home for 30 mins....

ugh this vanilla coke is kinda nasty....its not as good as it was when i first tried it.....i have to pee.....brb

aight....man my family has been givin me shit because i wanna be 98 pounds----big deal!

i wanna do what i wanna do, k?

Crying

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 01:35:27 GMT

I'm crying right now---I'm so depressed

Life juss seriously doesn't have any meaning to me right now----
I want to die

Sunday Blues

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 22:25:05 GMT

Don't ask...

Its hot in my room---slept all day....Dad goin to work again...

boring....
need a life---

suicidal....wanna fast----
whats the point?

AAARRRGGHHHH

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 06:19:48 GMT

Success? PFFF...Juss fucked that up----I'm SO pissed right now. I fucking binged----AGAIN, RIGHT after I posted how good I did...I bullshit myself so fucking much! I HATE myself, like royally. It's fucking 1:10 am, I can't sleep because I slept all fuckin' day, and I'm on Stackers right now.

I really just wanna tear down the fuckin walls and slit my own throat right now. I fuck myself over every day and I'm just so goddam sick of it! Why can't I just sit myself down, and keep my fat ass from putting food in my mouth? Half the time I don't even want the shit, which was the case tonight, and its so stupid.

I KNOW that I won't feel any sense of satisfaction by eating, and I still do it. WHY????? Huh? Why? Am I just retarded or something? I really think I am....

I tried to take a walk outside to clear my mind----that didn't work. There's no where to go, no where to walk...its so fucking pitch black and shitty looking around here. Its 1 in the morning and I'm still liable to get run over on the fuckin road cuz there's no sidewalks.

I just don't know what the I want outta life. I'm just sick of living, in general---there's no point---at all. I can't even make a statement saying that I won't eat tomorrow, or that I'm gonna fast for the next ten days, cuz I know I'll just be bullshitting myself. I just gotta go with the day, and try my hardest not to put shit in my mouth. Its better if I don't plan shit out---cuz when i do plan the night before, to fix my mistakes, I usually don't follow through----like today. And its silly because I was doing SOOO good at first----i was sleeping the day away and i hadn't eaten anything except apples which is like nothing-----and then, i don't know why, but i just went into the kitchen for like a piece of fish and some beans----then i ate a danish----puked that up----THEN i ate 2 hotdogs and a whole bag of chips---then a bowl of icecream and another danish---my dad's gonna wonder where all the food went----this sucks sooooooooooooooooooooo much!

Behold....A Succesful day!

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 02:32:38 GMT

Hell Yeah! I didn't fuck up today! I took 3 painkillers and drunk some Night Time Cough medicine, and slept all day today. I had like 4 apples today, and that was it. My sister came and picked me up, and we took her kids to the science center---that was alright. I came home, ate 2 more apples, and now I'm just chillin' and smokin' a cig. My dad is at work, thank Gawd.

Feel Like Shit

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 23:59:14 GMT

Well.....binged today....again. I know that anyone who reads this is gonna like think I'm a total COE freak tryin' to be Ana. I just haven't been having good days. I'm not even gonna say what I ate, but I will say this---Tomorrow, this shit is going to change---no bullshit. Almost every post so far has been of a failure, and I'm so sick of writing about how I fucked up---I wanna be able to write about a succesful day.

I had the nerve to go shopping today. I did buy some cute shit though. I bought some cigarettes too. I smoked in my classroom at summer school. LOL, the teacher was still at lunch, so I opened the window, leaned out, and smoked while these boys kept watch just incase a teacher might walk in.

So, school's out all the way now. If I do decide to officially move to Chicago, I won't have to go back to school until September, because they start school later than we do down here in St. Louis. So that means, I got out in May, and I'd be going back in September---how raw is that?

I'm so bored right now---there's nothing to do. I bought two DVDs and two CDs at Best Buy. "Coldplay Live 2003" and "Eminem-AMT". I don't know why they released Eminem's concert dvd so fucking late, it was taped back in '02. I also bought Silverchair-Neon Ballroom, which I'm listening to right now, and I bought Funeral for a Friend-Hours. I don't like Funeral, wish I hadn't bought them---I had only liked the band name....

At the mall I basically bought a bunch of tees, a Nintendo baseball cap, a camoflauge hoody, and....a Rasta necklace, an ugly skirt I can't fit yet...My dad did NOT like buyin' that shit. I was gonna buy this hat from Aeropostle that said "I Love French Fries"...then I thought to myself, WTF I'm anorexic---I DON'T love fries....so I took it back. So yeah, I'm just going to concentrate on starving from now on, and just chill and try to lose this fat...

There's really nothing else to do----I hate summer....I wish I was going off to college or something, like I'm supposed to be doing, but no...I get to go back to High School for ANOTHER year---(5th Year)---Sooooo fucked up----

I want to smoke...can't wait until my dad goes back to work, so I can have the apartment to myself again....I wish I could like sleep for 20 hours straight....Do you know how much weight you could lose just sleeping for the longest time?

That's why I love having the flu, because all I do is lay in bed, read, and sleep and I have no urge to eat at all....I wish I could take some kind of meds or something that would make me sleep all day---that would be nice, because when you're dreaming, you can't think about food. Or if I had a fucking social life, I wouldn't have to think about food either, AND I'd have friends....*sigh*

I'm gonna write a novel. Maybe a compilation of short stories----something----

Bored

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 23:23:00 GMT

2morrow is the last day of summerschool. Whoop-whoop, who cares? Fucked up today. Yesterday I did good, and went to see War of the Worlds---it was REALLY good. I felt so thin before I ate all that fuckin bread. I'm bored as hell in here.

Gay boy from class, I'm worried about him. Those ignorant bastards talk a lot of shit, only because they can't deal with their own insecurities. I don't feel like going tomorrow, FUCK. Atleast I'ma size 3. Fuck---feel like I gained 20 pounds. Found a way to get on PASS now, after a long ass time. I feel so shitty. I'm gonna need more apples. I need to stop eating altogether. I need to develop like a fear of food. Seriously.

Aight I'm Becomin' a Vegan

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 01:39:43 GMT

Yup, today I bought like 14 apples, a bag of grapes, a bag of salad... I got sweet peas and green beans in the cabinet, and I think I got some raw carrots in the fridge somewhere. So yeah, its vegan time, babie. But I did have a frozen fish fillet, and it was sooooo fire. I don't eat fried shit or breaded shit ne more. So fuck that. I'm startin' over witta clean slate. No breads, pastas, sweets, nothin' but fruits & veggies and some dairy along the way. I have some mocha soy milk, I think its time to toss it out though cuz on the box it says it only stays good for up to 10 days....WTF? I also bought some French Vanilla Tea and I have plenty of coffee.

My dad took me to the mall today because I wanted some new clothes. Of course he bitched the whooooole time, especially since I talked about moving to Chicago, again. He gets soooo pissed when I talk about it----it's like, ok, what would you do if I was going off to college instead of moving to Chicago? Would he sulk and pout then? Shit, probably.

Anyway, the stores I went to, I just wasn't feelin' them. The shit was way to colorful and prissy looking and plus I felt fat looking at them. I wear a size 3/4 now. I used to think I was skinny in the size 7, shit. Whatever....I ain't gon be satisfied til I can get my ass into a size 0. Fuck yeah, babie.

I'm so bored with life, its amazing. I just don't know what to do....maybe I need some dick or somethin', shit. LOL....seriously. Naw, I just need a fuckin' social life----I have like NO friends and it sux ass. It's like, these other anas talk about their family life, their friends, goin off to college at age 16 and shit....and its like, what the FUCK are YOU so depressed about? Shit, I have no friends, a wack ass family, and my highschool transcript is shit. Its like 4 years of nothing and I still have to do another year. This is why I wanted to go to Chicago to live with my brother. I thought I'd be in a better environment, living with someone who is very cool and positive and smart, I thought I could turn my life around, care about school and studies more, and get a damn life for God's sake, and that's what I plan to do, man!

Its just, I can remember chillin' in my room, living inside myself and my fantasies, safe and not having shit to fret about. Just goin to school, sittin' there, coming home, sleep. Now, its like I really gotta move my ass, ya know? I gotta start givin a fuck now. I can't be the same angry eminem-fanatic teen anymore. I have to grow up and start fendin' for myself and doin' for myself. I have to quit relyin' on others and askin for help, I gotta trust myself and be confident and not let mother fuckers step on me like they used to.

Its juss time to grow the fuck up and be a woman.

FUUUUUCK

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 00:30:33 GMT

I totally feel like shit right now. I just ate 2 pieces of pizza, and 3 fucking danishes!!! DAMMIT!!!! I was doing great. Yesterday I was planning on fasting, then I had like a little bit of roast and an apple. That was fine. This morning I had a cup of soy milk for breakfast. I had an apple when I got home, went to the gym, then had like more apples and some carrots and grapes.

I JUST had to go in the kitchen and slip a slice of pizza in my fat mouth!!! NOW I definitely can't get my hair cut tomorrow, cuz I can't be FAT and have the cut I want. So I told my dad to reschedule it. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

I found out that my ancestors were from England. So I'm half Brit, half african-american. Awesome---I luv Brits.

But meanwhile, I feel like a fat piece of crap.

Hahaha

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 00:55:12 GMT

My dad just came in my room to show me a plate of spaghetti he made me, and I said, "Take that shit back, I'm not eatin' that fat ass shit!" Hahaaaaa

Did good

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 00:24:24 GMT

This morning I had 1/4 cup of oatmeal, and a cup of coffee. Like 75, maybe 80 cals. School was alright, nothing special. I tried to get the damn fingertape that Chris Martin has, but they didn't have it at the place I went to. I told my dad to take me to Guitar Center but he forgot where it was.

Then, at home, he remembered. So he'll take me tomorrow. GOD, the things I do to keep up an image.

I bought a hair magazine, and I think I'm gonna get my hair cut real short. Fuck long hair, its taking for life to grow anyway. It sucks. So I'm gonna get it layered and chopped and its gonna look raw as fuck.

I had like a nibble of a plum at home, but it was sooo fuckin messy, I tossed it in the sink. I went to the gym and I guess did cardio for like an hour. Came home, had a small fight with my dad, its over now, soooo....w/e

Gahhh

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 01:20:44 GMT

Today sucked. I was doin' good this mornin'. I surprised my dad with these decorations I put in his room for Father's Day. Then he went and took a nap because he worked last night from 6:30pm, until 7:00 am this morning.

I looked up skater clothes online, because I was searching for some sort of wristband or bracelet, and I fixed myself some coffee. Then all of a sudden I get an urge to eat some of the Father's Day cake I bought my dad. I puked that up, then we went to the mall so I could try to find this outfit I wanted from Hot Topic. They didn't have it.

I also ate Burger King, Skittles, and Ritz w/Cheese. We then went to Dierbergs, instead of Shop n' Save, because I figured they would have more options of food to choose from, so I could pick a bunch of health crap to diet on. I bought fruit, Basil, Oregeno. I'm not going back to Dierbergs anymore, they are WAY to pricey.

When I got home, I got back online and bought the outfit from hottopic.com that I didn't find at the store in the mall. Then I had popcorn. So... I fucked up.

I want to be like Chris Martin from ColdPlay. I was watching Coldplay LiveLeak on MTV last night, and watched some specific things about Chris. I saw that he has this fingertape on his fingers, so I'm buying some tomorrow. He has tie-bracelets, so I bought one online, and he has those two bars drawn on his hand that stands for Free Market Trade, or whatever---I still don't foreal know about that. I'm dumb when it comes to politics. So....

I guess tomorrow I'll just continue on and quit the binging for a little minute. I really need to get on track. I'm kinda bored with my life. Its like, just so dull and unfufilling. Its like, I think about killing myself over boredom. How dumb is that?

Its just, I have no clue where I'm headed. I can't even foreal decide whether or not I wanna move to Chicago to live with my brother. I don't feel like him trying to boss me around and shit. I'm so depressed---I didn;t even take my damn Celexa today. I just wanna like, eat and eat until the emptiness inside me is filled.

Fuuuuuck.

I gotta get ColdPlay's album, Parachutes. I'm not feelin' X&Y in particular, thats actually what I'm listening to right now. I like A Rush of Blood To The Head.

Anyway, its oats, basil, and apples for me tomorrow.

Today was a good day

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 22:47:15 GMT

I thought it was gonna be a crappy day, but it wasn't. In my English summer school class, the teacher handed back our tests. She secretly game me ten extra points because she loved my essasys! Even the classmates didn't annoy me today. She had us read the Crucible, only we had to act it out in front of the class, and she made me be Abigail. So I'm going to be the one with hella lines. In US History, it went by pretty quick. We finished watching Pearl harbor, took an open-book test, and watched this weird American Story video.

This Mexican chick started bouncing this ball off the wall, she was so amped. After school, my dad took me to the YMCA, and I did the bike for like 37 minutes, and the eliptical for 45 minutes. I did some weights too. I hate my calves, they's so buff.

All I've eaten so far is an apple and a few sweet peas.

Depressed

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 22:44:20 GMT

This sucks so bad. Sat through six hours of summer school, just to come home and eat mickey d's. I feel like shit. God, my willpower sucks ass.